I tried to compse a creatively written piece to both entertain you and explain the following things, but I couldn't.  So here goes the chaos in my mind raw:

My mom and I were screaming a lot today and I wanted to tell her she's full of shit sometimes and she's so dumb, but I love her I do.  We fought over the antidepressants I was prescribed; she doesn't want me to take them.  (Facebook chat keeps popping up and I don't want to chat).  My conselor called me for a session when I was in a store and just ran into a classmate, but that's all the time we had so I had to spill my guts right there and I did.  She said to tell myself I do deserve things and that she thinks it's anorexia (remember my doctor said it didn't matter-all EDs are the same?  Not true in Psychology)  and that I might be craving a healthy male relationship of any sort.  She said that when we are adults things we didn't get as kids are brought back to us and we have to deal.  No wonder I've been acting more like I child than ever.  Eating problems, as I have said before have some thing to do with not wanting to grow up.  I told her that part of the reason I let things get out of control sometimes is because I want somebody to fix it (I always say "fix me"), but she said that's my job and part of that comes from deciding what job is momdad's and what job is mine.  My friend is marrying a douche bag.  I stopped talking to her for it, then started up again but it's kind of a big deal, like, I can't think about anything else when I talk to her.  I bought bubble bath and 45 calorie bread (each slice).  I was too depressed all day to eat and school's canceled tomorrow.  I took "I<3 BryanBoy" pictures today and felt like a fat whore but maybe I'll post them in a little bit.  She said a healthy male relationship but I think I'm honestly scared of males in general.  I'm not gay (am I?....Nope!), but I might be afraid of guys.  This guy is messaging me right now and I think he might like me I'm worried and embarrassed about it.  She also said I might need comforting, physical contact ( A hug or whatever) but I'm weird about those.  Oh my GUMMY BEARS, I think I am actually afraid of guys.  And hungry, butt too tired to eat.

I AM AFRAID OF PENISES!!!!
Okay, not really.
It's a joke.
TeeHee?

1. Crackers are mini toast. I LOVE toast.
2. My voice of negativity is female. She looks like a thinner, more glamorous version of me. I call her TeresAna just 'cause. She's an evil goddess.
3. By the end of the day, though, I personify comfort as a very warm, healthy male. In my head, especially after extreme eating/weight related behavior, he does hug me. Likes me as I am. That's Ed.
4. www.Whatsbehindhersmile.blogspot.com is a nice blog kept quiet. Check it out.
5. The doorbell rings.
Clothes are out on the line, it's just began to rain.
Faucet's running.
Phone's ringing.
Your baby's screaming.
In what order do you tend to these things?
Priority key in my chosen order=
Clothes-sex
Phone-job
Faucet-wealth
Doorbell-friends
Baby-family
That's all the ramblings for now.
Go fucking get lives, stop obsessing over your figure. Eat something. You're looking too thin.
I love you guys.

Snow day. Again.
Here's a quick post to clear somethings up on my spiritual beliefs:

1. I am not a Christian.
Used to be, but sophomore year I realized my religion was based on what other people believed and spoon fed me since nearly birth.
2. I am spiritually unsure right now.
Philosophical thinking. Currently reading Tao Te Ching.
3. I believe there is a God. An awesome one.
Used to try avoiding him when ED stuff surfaced. Not so much anymore.

I'm curious about what you guys believe. Please comment, tell me. Be mature, please, loves!

Messege me anytime today, I'll be on.
Twitter (BlogofAGirl)
Tea Cup Cafe (www.anamiascafe.ning.com)
Email (Anan2@gmx.com)
Texting (posted for Tea Cup members)
Facebook (well, if you know my real name)
Doesn't matter.

We gave a quick hug goodbye
And she said she felt my bones.
Another girl I looked up to said I was skinny.
It feels good.

But would I ever flaunt something like this?
No.
No matter what you've gone through,
It's not worth making someone feel bad.
I feel bad TOO MUCH to know.

And today, my teacher again said I acted just like his neice, my thinsporation.

And I've gained weight.
I'm near the number I said
I would shoot myself if I saw on the scale.
Go figure.

Things are swell.
Something tells me you don't really care.
I've had a taste of hell.
So instead of posting some depressing story

I ask that when you get thin,
Don't give other girls dirty looks just to show off how small you are.
Or I'll get pissed and shank someone.

Not that it's related to anything.
I just hate skinny bitches.

"It's overwhelming, the epiphany.
The instant you put two
With two you are
Nothing more
Than proof you've spent
Your entire life waiting
For a damn
Hug. All you've worked
For is
Acknowlegdement
You tried hard.

Yet when you get approval everyday
On everyday things...
You can't feel it.
You cannot feel that you've worked hard enough.

You don't need to be lied to;
You didn't do good enough,
But someone needs to know how hard you try."

And this terrifies me.
"You don't stop hyperventilating."
You don't stop speaking to me in the back of my mind.
The night is long.
Panic was the night.

-written, unedited story of last night-why I can't attend morning classes.

I am diagnosed. But with what?
Confessed it all to the doctor-
He seemed a little absent-minded-
After laying my most
Extreme
Moments out
On his table
He said,
He says:
"It's definitely a classic case of an eating disorder." As though I hadn't just told him so.

I walked in the office yesterday afternoon to put a name to my demons. Frankly, to confirm they were called bulimorexia.
And that's all I got.
That and a few "you need
Some help,"s "call
Anytime"s.

This isn't over old man.

Scavenger Hunt tonight till
Morrow for you stunning insomniacs:
www.anamiascafe.ning.com

WalMart is an amazing place.
Down south it's our mall.
You make small talk with long-time-no-sees
Tag along friend's family shopping, get a closer glimpse at her reality
Impulse pierce your ears for cheap
Impulse shoplift diet pills
Plan your diet for the week in the Special K eisle
Mom shamelessly, impulsively spends your college fund
Steal your own mom's purse to teach her not to leave it in the basket
Mooch more money off dad for stuff you don't need
Fall in love when a stranger reaches for that same box of cereal

Okay, that last one was totally fantasy, but as I was saying, WalMart's a great mall...

It's about midday.
Sun melts the ice outside my sill.
Jazz, language
I can't comprehend,
Whispers down the hall,
Tongue a flame.

Drip
Drip
I much prefer
Sound of ice
Constant.
A dissapearing act
Hushed

I lit my tongue aflame
Once.
But do I remember jazz?
Do I remember jazz
With each bite or gulp?
Each gag?
Or pulse?
The food would crackle
Sizzle, slurp, squeak,
Crescendo between my eager lips.
A tasteful genre of sound.
Jazz?
Something of the sort.

Drip
Drip
Drips ice
Drips pattern
Shrinking consistantly now
Drips
My new way of life,
My new tongue,
Shrinking consistanly now
A dissapearing act
Hushed
Beneath a record
I once knew.

(This poem's about binging. Just did and all I want is someone to hug me till I sleep disapointment away)

Snowed in.
Day 2.

Bitching about thighs,
It only slows
The shrinking process.
Best thing to
Do is
Stop wanting
Skinny,
Start being it.

There may be jiggle
Unwanted,
But all
In due
Time, my friends.

On this notion
I made it to my
Lowest weight
Once
Or three times.

Working on a new morning
Workout routine.
Ass work.
Got to make a tight ass.

Morning update
Over.

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I know you are tired of me
advertising it, but it's for
your own good.
It's a chance to just be.
Together.

You can repost anywhere with the codes underneath.
Just delete the gaps.

Vote on my Oscar night dress.
www.anamiascafe.ning.com
(blog post)

Going independently
Making a little statement of my own.

Snow day.

Took a walk.
All the cars were parked
At the ends of their driveway
It looked dramatic, so I
pretended they were stuck there
And I was the last one on earth,
trodding through
snow and ice
with headphones all
Cool.

Ranking of the Beatles song, Act Naturally in 1963:
169
Number discussed as cursed at http://www.physicsforums.com/archive/index.php/t-370255.html:
169
Platinum Pokemon Leafon:
169

I came in from the walk
Took a bubble bath
With duckies.
Lost the duckies in the bubble multitude.

The 7th Pell number to satisfy the recurrence relation formula:
169
13^2:
169
In 1935, Paul Foster Case wrote:
"Since the date, 1776, is placed on the bottom course of the pyramid [on the Great Seal], and since the number 13 has been so important in the history of the United States and in the symbols of the seal, it is not unreasonable to suppose that the thirteen courses of the pyramid may represent thirteen time-periods of thirteen years each."
The 13 time-periods of 13 years each equaled 169 years. From July 4, 1776 to July 4, 1945 equaled 169 years. From July 4, 1945 to August 6, 1945 (Hiroshima).
Calories burnt while I roamed the earth a lone wolf:
169,

169.2

She said I eat like a dog
But she's the bitch

I snicker to myself.
The secret?
I slept in this shirt.
Not a clue where my
Hygiene is headed.

I like to pull tomboyish stunts like
wild hair.
So I mess it up myself.
A bow on the side.

This is a safer
Edge
For me now.

Another little thing...
I have an attraction
To deep,
Deep
Male voices.

Raindrops on roses
Whiskers on kittens...

Not to self:
Overeating=Insomnia.

Let me know if you are up;
I'm lonely. I'll be at The Tea Cup
(www.anamiascafe.ning.com)
So come and we'll chat.

It scares me
That there are naked women
In the the background of
Childhood loved movie
The Brave Little toaster.
I had to leave a lamp on.

In fact, the female anatomy?
I think it's hideous on it's own.
(Sorry God. Let's agree to disagree)
Why do I bother trying to change my
Body so?

Morning.

Update.

Eating sweet corn.
Lost count of chews.
I wish it were warm enough
To heat me.

First musical rehearsal was
A blast.

My libido has increased.
Horrid.

Not good enough.

Been sore for a while.
Emotionally. It feels sore
Is the best way to put it.
Sore and exhausting to breathe.

I'm not good enough.

This corn doesn't fucking fill
Any void-
Hunger, solitude,
Coldness, none.
Because it's just corn.
My hunger,
Emptiness
Unsatisfaction
Are greater than just
Corn.

Why am I not good enough?
Tell me how to fix it.
Or I'll die a little more
Each day.
I just want to be good enough
You won't fix it.

Sleeping is Overrated

Stayed up all night.
I just don't understand why
We sleep. It's a waste of time.
There are my dreams I
Could be making a reality instead.
So I'm not going to do it.
Until I pass out.

90 followers.
Why, thank you.
I'm honored.

By the way, Taylor?
I took the drawing pad idea for
That notebook I didn't know
What to do with. Thanks.

I always dreamt of
Owning a cozy little cafe:
The Tea Cup
(I regret the title of the link, but I made it a long time ago-it's too late)

Go for support, a buddy, sharing
Not just sharing eating disorders, but
Life. Remember when we all had lives?
Come visit The Tea Cup Cafe to have a cup
of friends on the house. It's new.

What a devious lifestyle.
The things we do to protect our secrets.
Or nurture them.

I stayed over my best friend's place. She invites me to a group outing, but I lie and say I'm going over K's later...so I can be withdrawn. Maybe online. At the gym.

This goes against what my therapist said to do.

A mealtime thing for
Me is my mugs.
I just noticed I tend
To pick certain eatery
For what mood I'm in.

And I'm lazy, but
If I want the blue mug so
I can feel calm, I'll wash dishes
Just to get to it.
To feel safe when I snack.

Is that strange?
And buying eatery
Excites me more than grociery shopping.

She, my thinspiration, measured me with her hands the way TinkerBell does with her hips.

Then said I'm her only friend that's
Skinnier
Than she.

You could guess that
I count my blessings, yeah.

(I ment to share the news and not show off. I don't want jealousy, but for someone-anyone?-to be happy for me.)

And I got the cynical character's part in the musical. Eeep!!

When I was really young, I craved doughnuts nearly all the time, doughnuts and cheeseburgers.

Now that I get oddles of free doughnuts and a cheeseburgar is about a dollar I still won't be able to have any.

This goes to show how ironic life gets.

MiLK Day's 2nd post.
Please read post below as well.

I don't get it when people say
Today I'm mia, or
I've been ana lately.

I tried using the abbreviations like
They were switches we turned
On and off, but
They aren't.

A binge,
A few purges does
Not equal being mia,
Just some incidents.

A fast,
Calorie restricting gone
Swell is not
Being ana.

Okay, loves?
Thank you.

Art. Is amazing.
It's like ripping my thoughts out of my mind
And shoving them into someone else's skull.

At the ThesbianConference I made a friend, got too shy to say bye, ask for a number to text. I feel really guilty.

But at least I'm reconnected with my childhood bestie via facebook. I was Bubbles and she was Buttercup. Maybe I'll have a close best friend.

I have a few, but still. Id like a bigger support system, you know? No, I mean I'd like a deeper support system.

Not that you guys aren't great, you are all so lovely, whether you ignore it or no.

I bid and won on a composition notebook
Covered in magazine close-ups
That puzzle you.
Placed a price just to
Feel like a winner
For once.
Don't have a clue what to use it for.

Exculding food, thinspo, poetry, diary and planning journal (I already own these), what do you think I should do?

Make a suggestion.
When I take it
Feel like a winner, too.